You know when you’re faced with a situation and you look at it and you’re just like, well, this is…happening (?!).
And it’s this combination of umimpressed meh and ‘for real?’ and ‘ugh whatevs’ man, cause I can’t even right now.
Kind of like…
A disappointing *le sigh* and this feeling was all I could muster when I found out my role was going to be restructured.
When I quit my last job, I was drowning in ‘what if’ thoughts, dread and fear of what my next move might be.
This time around, I felt more like:
This job was tough. Probably one of the more challenging things I’ve experienced professionally. And truthfully, I’m worn the fuck out.
I had started to have massive panic attacks brought on by paralyzing anxiety. Not all attributed to my job, of course. This prompted a visit to my doctor asking to please give me something, asap.
It’s easy for friends and family to hear this and come up with the obvious answer: well, then just quit.
UGH. How I loathe hearing this.
I didn’t want to quit because of pressure or anxiety. I’ve always felt that I should only ever leave a job when I had truly felt honest with myself in saying that I could do no more and get no more out of it. I didn’t want to run away out of fear.
When the rumors started swirling that my role was being restructured, I felt like laughing.
It was uncomfortable and I’m prone to fits of giggling in awkward situations, but that aside, I was relieved and more so, the idea that I had stressed and worked myself into crying sessions three hours long was laughable.
These past two weeks waiting until the 31st, have been two of the longest and two of the shortest rushed weeks of my life. Speeding to finish up projects and counting down the hours I have left until five but at the same time feeling like I’m running on an empty tank makes for grumpy Alex. Combined with the incredible anxiety my body has come to feed on these past few months, the struggle to get up every day has never been realer.
Don’t think I’m complaining, well, I am. But don’t think that I regret taking this job. I feel no dishonesty in saying that I am better for it. I’ve learned so much professionally and personally.
However, when I was asked to apply for the same role in a new setting within the company, I respectfully declined. And when I was asked to stay in my role for and additional month, I also, politely declined.
I’m not sure if I am/was finished with my job in the way that I was my last one. In my last role, I had hit a ceiling professionally and was stuck in rut. In this role, I felt like one of those carnival hammer strength tests. A tough day/week/month was the weight of the hammer testing just how high my emotional meter would go until the bell finally rang. I hit an emotional ceiling and was stuck in a rut.
I’ve taken all that I can and I’ve given all that I can. And that’s when you say #byefelicia.
My job is important, but my job isn’t me. And when you’ve given and you feel drained, it’s time to move on. I’m trying to get over this feeling that I’ve failed. But isn’t failure the unwillingness to get up and try again? I like to think it is. So maybe this wasn’t for me, but I’ll try at something new and different.
But for now, it’s #byefelicia.
Yes Way, Taipei! 