I’m obsessed with time. Having it, needing it, figuring out what to do with it and figuring out how much of it I’ve spent. I catalog my days in hour long blocks inside my head. I need to keep track of how I spend my time so I don’t feel like I’ve wasted it. I have a to-do list that keeps growing, and nothing gets crossed off. I have a journal, a notebook and a day planner were I write down things to do, things I’ve done and ideas for what to do tomorrow- in all three. Just to make sure my obsessive nature feels satisfied.
I went out for Chinese food one night a while back, after I knew I was going to be leaving my job. I like fortune cookies, I always hold on to the hope that one day, I’ll open my cookie to find the magic fortune that I’m meant to have that will tell me the way to eternal happiness. Though I am sure I, along with 50 other people are reading the exact same fortune at any moment. That night, my fortune told me to take some time for myself, and that this time would help me accomplish more.
The evidence:
(please ignore shit nails)
So, because I am a sucker I thought, why not?
In the first two-three weeks in my time off, I felt blissfully light and unburdened. The repeated question from friends and family members seemed to be: “so, what have you been doing?” and my answer was a resounding: “Honestly, I don’t even know…”.
Time passed by quickly but I didn’t seem to care. I filled my day with the things I wanted to do, the things I had forget that I had loved, the things I kept meaning to do or so but never did. I had the occasional meeting or interview, none of them panned out but I was thrilled to just be enjoying my time and becoming a lady of leisure.
But then my list of things I wanted to do with my time off just became increased at an alarming rate. I’ve never done wood working, I thought, I must wood work! I need to build a table or something. Someone mentioned that they were taking Indian cooking class- why hadn’t I thought of that? I need to take Indian cooking classes! Should I paint my living room? Do I need an accent wall? I should pitch a story to at least 3 magazines a day. I should freelance. I should get a volunteer job. I think I need a pet.
Mostly: Should I start looking for a job or should I take this time off to travel?
I’m overwhelmed with the choices and decisions. Yes, being a lady of leisure has its perks but when there are so many options and paths in front of me, it doesn’t make me feel like the world’s my oyster, it makes me want to crumple up on the floor and quit.
It’s hard to feel like you’re not completely failing at life when you wake up four weeks into unemployment and you’re like- wtf have I done? What the fuck am I doing? Where am I going? Which is kind of where the obsessive note taking and list making comes in. I worry that time is running out.
Though I know this feeling has anxiety partly to blame (I’ll get into anxiety later). But I can’t do everything, it’s not possible.
When you keep changing the course, you don’t end up getting there faster, you end up going in circles.
Sometimes all you can do is take time. There isn’t some magical fortune cookie that will divulge upon you the secrets of the universe and life. You take time, you make a decision and you see what happens.
Taking some time, and trying to narrow in and focus on what you want is key when you’re at a fork in the road.
I don’t think that it will deliver all the answers, but it will help me decide what’s next and sometimes, that’s all you need.
Yes Way, Taipei! 