When my boyfriend and I decided to move from our native Canada to Taiwan, one of my biggest worries was whether or not I would be able to make friends in my new city. I’m introverted, putting myself out there with strangers is difficult for me. I had my wonderful group of friends at home and as DJ Khaled and Drake put it,”no new friends”.
I was relieved when a friend of mine in Toronto, let’s call her Cindy* offered to ‘set me up’ with a friend of her’s from school who was from and now lived in Taiwan. I basically had a built-in, ready made friendship right then and there! One of my major fears was assuaged!
Of course, I said yes. Cindy*, told me that Jamie*, her Taiwanese friend, was really nice, did industrial design and loved art. I have a membership to our local gallery, so, um, match made in bestie heaven? Yeah, I think so.
‘Oh, by the way, she is a vegetarian’ my friend texted me.
Oh…..
Cindy knows I’m a huge foodie and love to try any and everything. I’ll eat anything from octopus beak to chicken feet.
But I’m not against vegetarians or vegans. I eat vegetarian food and if you’re my friend and a vegan, I’ll even listen patiently to you talk about the benefits of your vegan lifestyle without rolling my eyes! However, part of the reason I wanted to move to Taiwan was for the food. It’s important to me to be able to experience a new culture through food and oftentimes, this means meat. But I’m not adverse to vegetarian food or only eating veggies and I’m sure Jamie and I would still be able to get along and hang out without food getting in the way. We’d still have art?
When I arrived in Taipei, Taiwan, Cindy put me in touch with Jamie via Facebook messenger and we started chatting. She seemed really sweet, even letting me know that if I had any questions or needed anything at all to give her a call. We made plans to have dinner (at a vegetarian restaurant) the following week.
My boyfriend is a chef and works odd hours (weekends and holidays included) so I’m used to being on my own even though I live with someone. Coming to Taiwan, I was leaving behind a group of wonderful people who were always around when I wanted to talk, I was going to miss my squad. Even though as an introvert, I covet my alone time, I still needed friends to hang out with. It felt low pressure and comfortable for someone awkward like me to meet a new friend this way.
Jamie and I met at a metro station and walked over to the restaurant together. The conversation flowed seamlessly, it’s easy when you’re new to city to make conversation. We mostly talked about Taipei; what she thought of the city, what I had been doing so far, her recommendations for restaurants and things to see and do. We spoke a little of my hometown and Canada; since she had gone to school there, she was familiar.
At one point, I mentioned that one of the oddest things I had noticed was that no one in Taipei seemed to have vape pens and she explained that they hadn’t caught on but that she thought they were associated with drug use. If you aren’t aware, Taiwan has very strict drug laws. Even marijuana is a pretty taboo topic. I told her how it much of a change it was, coming from Toronto where there’s a new vape shop or medical marijuana dispensary opening every five minutes. I could see her face give off a cooling look. She was uncomfortable. It was the word equivalent of letting out a fart and sneeze and the same time and the other person DEF heard it. FUCK. I’d fucked it up with my new BFF, 30 minutes into our date.
I swiftly changed topics and she seemed to brush off the awkwardness that I had let out. From there, conversation got back on track. I asked her personal questions about her home and family and work. I made her laugh once or twice.
I was on fire.
She paid for the meal which I thanked her profusely for. I couldn’t believe how generous and sweet Jamie was! A part of me wondered if this was just a ploy to never see me again (like pay her off and then never talk again) but then I realized that this was legit crazy and I needed to chill out.
The following days we exchanged messages on Facebook. It was the lunar new year so she was back home with her family but we talked almost every other day, just a message here and there about what I was doing with the time off and her family’s holiday feast. We both said that we would meet up again for another meal. She even said that she would happily show me her hometown, about two hours from Taipei.
There it was, I had made a friend.
After a week or so of just messaging back and forth, I decided to take action. We needed to make another date or we wouldn’t solidify this friendship. We needed to define the relationship.
So I messaged her and asked if she wanted to grab some ice cream. Cute, right? I drafted the message twice before sending so I wouldn’t sound like a weirdo.
Five minutes later I got a reply.
She said she was sorry but she didn’t think she’d be able to come with me. She was going to be spending all her time off with family in her hometown for the next few weeks.
Ummmmm…. Ok. That excuse sounded real familiar. I’m pretty sure I gave that excuse to a few OK Cupid dates. Giving them an unspecified amount of time, being vague but plausible and not committing to any future dates?
I told her no worries and to just let me know if/when she was ever free. The ball was in her court now to make a connection if she felt like it. She sent a smiley face and said to enjoy my ice cream.
Enjoy my ice cream? How could I enjoy my ice cream when I would be eating it all alone on a park bench (is how I pictured it)? Who was this savage beast?
Part of me felt strung along. Maybe I hadn’t picked up on some hints that she wasn’t that into me? But what of the promises of hometown tours, coffee shop dates and Korean BBQ dinners? What’s less than friendzoning?
I wondered if maybe I had said something wrong? Had I inadvertently offended her? Was there some cultural practice I wasn’t aware of and I had clumsily made a faux pas? But I thought we had smoothly sailed past my foot-in-mouth pot comment.
As with any breakup, I quickly texted all my friends to deconstruct her Facebook message. One of my friends told me that she was sure I hadn’t said anything rude.
Oh, good. Then it’s just my terrible personality.
Just like in dating relationships, a true friendship can’t happen if it’s one-sided. If someone doesn’t want me as a friend, why would I want to stick around? Some friendships just aren’t meant to be. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. It’s impossible to be. And I can’t blame anyone for it.
I know all of this. But I was (am) desperate for friends and it made the rejection feel even worse.
Truthfully, maybe there was never a friend connection with Jamie; though I remember really liking her and thinking that she was really nice.
But nice, doesn’t always equal friend. It takes a connection to be friends. Maybe I let my desperation for friends cloud my judgement. Maybe the signs were there along and I just ignored them. In any case, even if I had felt a connection, it was clearly one-sided and it was not going to happen.
Making friends as an adult is hard, making them as an adult in a foreign country with a language barrier is even harder.
A friend, an expat in Canada from Hong Kong told me that she had gone through something similar as an immigrant in Canada and in the U.S. That connecting with someone who may not come from similar experiences can be difficult.
Another friend of mine who has lived moved often and lived in many different countries told me that it takes a year to meet friends in a new country and yet another year to find friends that you actually like.
But, maybe with time and learning more as an expat, this can get a little easier. I don’t think this will come easily but I do think it will come as a result of “putting myself out there” (ugh) and working hard to actually seek these potential friends out. I need to look for like minded people and those I have something in common with.
Probably more than having a membership to the art gallery.
Yes Way, Taipei! 